Six Secrets to a Successful Marriage

In this episode of the Becoming You podcast, I discuss my six best tips to a successful marriage based on 18 years of my own experience.

That’s not to say I have the perfect marriage; far from it. I was a baby when I got married at 21 (my husband was 24). I certainly didn’t know who the heck I was and what I wanted out of life—and to this day, I probably still don’t know!

But my husband and I grew up together, and we learned a lot over the past almost-two decades. I have learned to show up in order for our marriage to thrive. I want to share the down-and-dirty with you, as well as actionable steps that you can apply to your own marriage today.

SECRET #1: Get support in your marriage.

By this, I mean marriage counseling.

Within the first two years of our marriage, we hit some pretty big bumps on the road. This was around the time I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I was also in a country where I knew nobody, having moved from the U.K. to America.

I looked to my husband for everything because I didn’t have anyone else I could talk to, and that put a ton of strain on our relationship during a time we were still learning how to communicate with each other.

There were a ton of times I didn’t want to be around him. We had a lot of fights, many of them passive-aggressive.

My husband was resistant to my initial suggestion that we see a marriage counselor; but luckily he eventually came around to it, and I’m so glad he did.

SECRET #2: Do not try to change your spouse.

Instead of trying to change your spouse, focus on trying to change yourself.

If you want a successful marriage, start working on yourself today. It’s not your spouse’s responsibility to make you happy, but yours and yours alone.

And remember: When you start to change yourself, the people around you will either rise with you or fall away.

SECRET #3: Seek support, not permission.

We ask their permission, in obvious and subtle ways, and when they don’t give it to us, we get mad at them. It’s not their responsibility to understand how important it is for you. It’s up to you to take bold action toward whatever it is you want and, if it for whatever reason does not work out, know that you’ve got your own back.

Your spouse doesn’t need to understand you. They just need to support you.

SECRET #4: Ask for what you want in the relationship.

Most of us are very scared to ask for what we desire in our relationship. We hold back, thinking that what we ask for might hurt them.

“I want more time.”

“I deserve more respect.”

“I need to take some time out for myself.”

“I do not like the way I’m being spoken to at the moment.”

If we want our spouses to better support our wants and desires, we need to take the responsibility for communicating our point of view to them so they can understand what we need.

SECRET #5: Make yourself a priority.

Just as you should never wait for your spouse to change for your sake, it’s never a good idea to wait for your spouse to make you a priority.

Empower your spouse to help you. Empower them to fill the boots that you have been filling.

SECRET #6: Only take responsibility for what is yours in the relationship.

Think about how you can step up and take ownership to help fill the gaps that you see in your relationship, based on what your spouse tells you.

Learn more about me and my coaching services:

Free resource: 10 Ways to Spark Your Self Love Journey

Visit my website: www.visalakshi.com 

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